Chapter 51 Creating Lack of Trust & Abandonment Issues Allegedly on Purpose

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L.B. rarely came to visit me at my grandmothers or D.B.’s apartment in Summit. When she did, she was drunk, or had been drinking. She often would say that she was going to come pick me up and would not show up. This created a situation in which I would sit in the living room window of my grandmother’s house and wait all day for her to come. I would sit there and watch the car’s go by and she would not show up. This caused me to be mistrusting of her and other people. It also hurt me and made me feel even more unloved by her than I had already felt. Sometimes she would even call and say she was on her way and still not show up. After a while I was told that due to her abuse and her failure in keeping her word in showing up to visits, I did not have to talk to her, listen to her, or respect her.

The choice was also left up to me in if I wanted to talk to her or even try and see her or establish a relationship with her.  These abandonment issues have carried on into adulthood in that many people who found out about this have used it as a tool to inflict hurt on me by doing the same thing. Saying one thing and doing another, not keeping their word, and not showing up when they say they are going to. This caused me to not trust people including her, between the drinking, lies, and the abuse I became mistrusting of her. She used to call me on the telephone and call D.B. screaming lies and obscenities at me and at him because she was drunk. She would call at all hours of the day and night but usually late at night. Most of it you could not understand and was unintelligible due to her slurring of her words and cursing. The most crass and obscene things come from her mouth and I simply could not take the verbiage she used or still uses, her lude behavior and her constant denial that she is an alcoholic or and denial of how she treated me was wrong gets me to upset to deal with her in my life and always has.

D.B. alleged that this was done purposefully and part of the grooming of me for the political activism I don’t want to think that was true, my mother is a alcoholic and these types of behaviors are very common amount alcoholics and drug addicted persons, its a difficult thing to deal with but it’s in the past and there is no going back and changing it, it just has to be accepted for what it was.