Chapter 60 Abuse & to Love or not to Love & How I am different

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Going to Live with D.B.

 D.B. obtained custody of me when I was five years old. I remember the day vividly. I was outside playing and my D.B. and C.B.B.G.G. had to go to court. I knew where they were going and why. I remember running up to the car and asking “did you get me?” I was excited to be away from L.B. at the time because the abuse had been so deplorable. What I didn’t know was that I was still being abused and still going to be abused throughout my life because of  D.B. and his abusive ways. However, at that time and for most of my life including my childhood, adolescence and much of my adulthood D.B was my hero and the only family I had. Even now that I know what he has done to me and why and that it is abuse I can not erase the part of him that has become me. All that I have been able to do is take the good parts and omit the bad which perhaps some people can understand but many probably won’t but I go out of my way to be the opposite.

Now on to ages 5-10 “Oatmeal”

When I lived with D.B. I remember a few things. One was what I call “Oatmeal”. What oatmeal means is I am and always have been an extremely stubborn person. D.B. made oatmeal that wasn’t packets of Oatmeal but “Rolled Oats”. It was disgusting and I refused to eat it so he made me sleep at the kitchen table. “Eat everything on your plate and eat what I put in front of you” was his motto. “There are starving people in China” he would say. I slept at that table that day and the next morning he let me go but he never forgot how stubborn I could be and that was why.  Personally as a parent I don’t force feed my girls, if they don’t like something I make them something else D.B. says this is wrong but I don’t see what the big deal is and its my family not his. There is no reason to cause such a big commotion over food and I believe that his way of doing things can lead to eating disorders and over eating as well as un-necessary and preventable weight gain. Life is to short to have a power-struggle over food. D.B. later told me to listen to my instincts when it came to food if something doesn’t taste right or for any reason I don’t want it I am to spit it out and not give it a second thought, D.B. confessed that he had poisoned my oatmeal and was infuriated because I refused to eat it. 

If a child does not like something that much why force them to eat it? Do you as a parent eat things you do not like? The answer is probably not, so why are you forcing your kids to eat something they don’t like? If you get a choice then why should they not get a choice? Because they are children? They are still human beings with tiny taste-buds are they not? So why not let them choose what they eat. Kids get so little say in life, what they are or are not going to eat is a small choice that you can allow them to make that usually won’t hurt them. I am not saying let them eat a candy bar for dinner. I am saying you can give them a choice of what they want to eat that is “dinner-able”.

Hit With the Belt

Other incidents I have memory of is being hit with D.B. belt when he became angry. This has effected me in that if a man is wearing a belt and he goes to take it off it causes me to focus in on it and it upsets me. I do not believe in corporal punishment and especially hitting your child with “inanimate objects” like belts, shoes, or brushes, hangers or anything else. These items are being used as weapons. Why on earth would anyone hit their child with a weapon? It is barbaric, ineffective, and only causes serious physiological damage it can further cause very serious physical damage as well. When you are a parent your goal is to cultivate a whole individual adult not cultivate a broken dis-functioning adult. Hitting is an act of anger if you hit your children out of anger you are teaching them by example that hitting out of anger is an acceptable behavior this often stays with them their whole lives and they grow to become abusers. Abuse begets Abuse and the cycle will continue.

Being Called an Animal & Made to Eat Dinner on the Floor

Being Called an “Animal” and being made to eat dinner on the kitchen floor while being told that A.J.D. and I were acting like an animals at the dinner table, so I was going to be treated like an animal and had to eat my dinner on the dirty kitchen floor while I was crying. When A.J.V.M. was acting up at the table her food was taken away and put on the counter and she was made to wait to eat until everyone else was finished to detour her from acting up again. There is still a lesson that there is no acting out at the table but she was not harmed or belittled in any way just made to wait. 

Beaten for Wanting to Wear Socks that Matched

I was beaten because I didn’t refused to put socks on that were boy socks and mismatched. I was getting ready for school and my socks did not match D.B. started screaming at me that I wear them anyway when I refused he beat me for it. “You will do what I tell you to do and if you don’t you will pay”.


Making Hateful Statements about Other Parent and Family

Being told repeatedly that L.B. did not love me, never wanted me, only cared about herself and her drinking and her friends and being reminded that I had D.B. only D.B. left in the world. Being told that my aunts and uncles didn’t really care about me, and didn’t love me or want to see me.  Saying bad things about the other parent only makes a child feel bad about themselves. We are the product of our parents whether we like it or not when this was done by both sides it made me feel terrible as I did not know who to believe or to trust about the things that were said and it made me feel bad about myself because I was the product of the person that the bad things were being said about. Sometimes you have to teach your kids about the deplorable things that their other parent did so you can help them heal and accept it but when I was young I did not know or understand the bad things that had been done by both sides for sure. I felt it was mostly hate talk and gossip. I formed my own opinion off of things I saw with my own two eyes, and heard with my own two ears. And made my own assessment which is what D.B. eventually told me to do.

Beating me with a Elastic Red Panda bear belt. 

C.P.S.B.S.B and D.B. were living together when I was 7 or 8 years old. L.B. had visited me for Christmas and I was given an elastic belt that had black and white panda bears printed on it. I got out of the bath and found C.P.S.B.S.B son A.J.D. with the belt and told him to give it back to me. When I tried to take it from him it snapped and slapped his fingers. C.P.S.B.S.B told my D.B. and D.B. came into my room and without question beat me with the belt because of whatever C.P.S.B.S.B had told him. The reality was, I didn’t do anything wrong her son did and I was beat as a result. This was the first beating I remember that I received as a result of C.P.S.B.S.B lying and I suspect she learned something that day which was she could lie to D.B. and tell him anything she wanted to get him to abuse me and she has used that as a tool throughout my life to inflict abuse on me and my girls as well. (More on that later).

Memories are lost or the time frame was uneventful

Basically, through out the years of 5-10 I don’t remember that much most of my time was spent working on schoolwork after school with my grandmother even when we lived in Summit. I would be picked up every day and brought to C.P.S.B.S.B house so that I could do my homework. D.B. was never interested in helping me and he did not have the patience all he ever did was yell and talk to me like I was stupid. (That never changed).

My Little Brother J.B.

Once D.B. and C.P.S.B.S.B broke up things settled down, we moved to C.P.S.B.S.B house when I was starting 5th grade so I was about 10 years old and starting fifth grade at Hale School. Their first breakup had zero to do with me and everything to do with C.P.S.B.S.B or it was D.B. being a deadbeat. However, when they broke up C.P.S.B.S.B was pregnant with my little brother J. C.P.S.B.S.B has always blamed me for D.B. not being in J.’s life when reality is that the breakup and D.B.’s absenteeism from J’s had to do with her and the fact that D.B. claimed he had caught her cheating  on him with her second son R.A.B.’s  father who is L.B.’s brother R.L.B. D.B. repeatedly claimed that J. was not his son and that he had caught C.P.S.B.S.B red handed running around on him with R.L.B. However, in hindsight and knowing what I know now I think he may of known but refused to admit it out loud as he simply did not want to take care of J. and he did not want to pay child support.  (Basically, he hurt J. and and C.P.S.B.S.B deprived me of my little brother,  out of greed.) OR it might of been something else but this is what I was told at the time and growing up, and told only part of why C.P.S.B.S.B hated me and resented my existence.

If you don’t stop that crying I’ll give you something to cry about… 

I am and always have been a very emotional person, D.B. used to say I felt to much and was “to touchy feel-ly on the inside” as if there is such a thing. I am the type of person that usually leads with my emotions most of the time and wears their heart on my sleeve. More so when I was younger than now mostly because I have been abused so badly that the reality is I can’t and don’t cry anymore. Whenever I feel like I am going to or I need to I think “don’t let ’em see you cry they get enjoyment out of it”. They being D.B., C.P.S.B.S.B, and my two ex-husbands E.M.M. & A.E.V. D.B. thinks Emotions are a weakness, and crying is a vulnerability or shows vulnerability emotions make us human and being connected to our emotions is not a bad thing nor is leading with them. (Depending on the person and situation.) There is nothing wrong with being emotionally connected to the people you love and there is no such thing as loving someone to much or being to close to the people you love. D.B. thinks there is, he is so unbelievably wrong it’s not even funny. I would prefer to be a feeling human being rather than an emotionless non feeling droid or robot or plastic like him and those who use abuse as a tool to obtain power and control over me.