Chapter 61 A. Can’t Do Right

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 A.CAN’T DO RIGHT

A Can’t do right is when you are given two separate sets of instructions and don’t know which one is the correct set to follow. 

The fact is in my family’s eyes no matter who you ask and matter what I do, no matter what path I take, what choice I make, what decision to go in weather its  left or right A. Can’t do right. Somehow in some way I will be wrong and whatever the ramifications will all become my fault and the blame will sit squarely on my shoulders because in their eyes I just can not do right. 

On one hand they correct my speech and tell me to use bigger words, then complain that I don’t use enough slang when I speak. Tell me to be myself and not like everyone else and to be unique then complain that I don’t fit in and don’t belong. I am polite and say please, and thank you and your welcome automatically and ask before I take something and then am told to be he opposite and not to be so polite and not to ask.  I am told that there is no such thing as a stupid question except the ones that go unasked and then told that I ask to many questions. 

No matter what i do I am wrong, there is no right answer and you can not make any of these people happy no matter what you do or how hard you try. They are all nuts. So they do this where they tell you to be two separate and different ways one is the obvious right way to be and the other is not this is just plain logic as far as I am concerned.  

Then…. 

When I would cry or be upset C.B.B.G.G. would basically blame me for my lack of self esteem after all that work she put into me. As if it were more important that she get the credit for putting the so called “work” into me rather than the fact that the “so called work” she did obviously “did not work” and something else needed to be done. It was her way of discounting and stamping not valid on my feelings or complaints and not dealing with them and robbed me of even more self esteem because she really did not care about how I felt or what I wanted she wanted to guilt me for feeling that way. I can not stand it when anyone stamps NOT VALID on my feelings thoughts, opinions or idea’s. 

Honestly, growing up I felt very isolated because of this and the other issues in the house, and was alone and isolated as a result. I still feel that way especially since I don’t have my daughters which D.B. knew I would feel this way and that is part of why he did it. 

I viewed my childhood and the time in that house as a living hell,  filled with hours of deafening silence or the TV with the high pitched sound that cut through my brain like a knife. I usually chose silence, after awhile I discovered music and D.B.’s stereo in the basement.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

2001

When A.E.V. was abusing me and selling drugs, D.B. was aware of what he had been doing and even picked me up from the hospital one of the times. I divorced him and then was lectured for leaving him, D.B. said I should not of left him just because he was selling drugs I should of tried to stay and made it work. You can’t make someone love you and you can’t make them change which is what I already learned from L.B. the reality is, he was yelling at me because he said Money is Money it all spends. Remembering this conversation is how I realized that D.B. doesn’t really love me all that much because A.E.V. was also poisoning me and D.B. later told me he knew that he was which means when he said he had set me up with A.E.V. because he was looking for a payout he wasn’t lying. 

I was sitting there stunned trying to figure out why D.B. would be angry with me for leaving A.E.V. when he was abusing me and selling drugs what sense did that make, I lost a lot of respect for him that day because of what he said as he also said I deserved to be abused and he did not blame A.E.V. for hitting me all the time. what he said was illogical and not good “parenting” and not the way a father would or should be.

2014

When I left E.M.M I went to see D.B. and he told me I was off in left field someplace and his words were harsh, he knew E.M.M. had been poisoning me and told me that he was going to be poisoning me and then he yelled at me for divorcing him. Again, D.B.’s confession of wanting a payout is apparent, not that he is much of a parent. 

This lend’s credence to D.B.’s confession and allegations that D.B. and my families want of a payout is the main reason, no matter what I do, A. can’t do right.

L.B.’s Side

I have seen other family members do their own version of A. can’t do right, and caught them trying to teach me things wrong. I could not believe what I was hearing or seeing because the parents of the kids in my family were raising their kids to be criminals on purpose, they want them to be criminals and thugs and use them to facilitate crimes, they did not seem to want more for their kids, or have their best interest at heart.

It is defiantly abuse but its actually more than that because they are using their kids to facilitate crimes in hopes that the kids  will get caught and destroy their lives, instead of their own lives. I never saw anything like it before in my life, and it baffles my mind how anyone can claim they love their kids but turn them into criminals and purposefully teach them wrong, and to do wrong. It’s like A. can’t do right on steroids, and the sad part is the kids should know better, and I believe they do know better but they listen anyway and I can not for the life of me figure out why because they are adults and don’t have to.  This is how the cycle of abuse and criminal behavior and history repeats itself. It’s mind boggling to me and I am pretty intelligent but I can not wrap my mind around any of it.

NO MATTER HOW GOOD I AM ITS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR D.B.

The point is, I was one of the first if not the first of my family to go to College and obtain a degree and graduate at the top of my class. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I never did, I smoked cigarettes and drank diet soda and spent all my time with my daughters raising them to be good women. Key words good women not criminals and D.B. still took my daughters from me, which just proves no matter what I do, I am never enough and never good enough nor can I ever do right. 

A. Can’t do right fills you up with self doubt and unsure in making choices and decisions, it makes you feel like your always walking on eggshells, or on a tightrope. Furthermore, because you have very little information to make a decision off of. If you make the wrong choice you get “God Smacked” so you learn really quick to always make the right choices even if they tell you that they are the wrong ones. For instance just about every time I listen to D.B. and follow his “directives” I get into some form of trouble be it falsely locked up in jail or put in a hospital under false accusations and pretenses. Then think back on the conversation had with D.B. and realize he set me up to fail and be disappointed again. 

The thing is, D.B. raised me and taught me to always do the right thing no matter what the cost because he did not and had he my whole life would not of been stolen and I would not of been abused as bad or been nearly killed multiple times over. It makes it hard to follow his directives with him constantly instilling fear and anxiety in me by getting me into trouble falsely and giving people to give me a difficult time just for coming forward.

Moreover, because I was not punished if I was honest and told the truth it makes it even more difficult after being put in the hole at L.C.J. for being honest and coming forward with information that I had about crimes that had been facilitated. which is the same as being “God Smacked” for doing the right thing and telling the truth and is all part of A. can’t do right.